Blood Omen 2a: Sex, Blood and Hylden Rules
by Crystarr
Summary: Kain's adventures in the city of Meridian get the LoKa treatment. How much longer can this series realistically continue?
1. The beginning of yet another parody

Not a lot of people know this, but the seeds of the war between Kain and the Hylden were, um, seeded, not in a massive physical battle, but in a humble Internet Chat Room that Kain ran. This is a transcript.  
  
#NosNet Chat  
  
FallenBalance: So, next up, I was thinking of Meridian, the new capital of Nosgoth. The old one was Willendorf, of course, but that's irrelevant.  
  
RandomVillager432: That's cool..  
  
FallenBalance: Now, all I need are some Vampires to form an army to conquer it.  
  
BrothelLover69: aNYONE GOT ANY pONORGAPHY?  
  
FallenBalance: Shut up BL69. Now, my only problem is that I'm the only Vampire left in Nosgoth, and I can't create any progeny right now...  
  
BrothelLover69: aNY GIRLS WANT CYBER?  
  
*BrothelLover69 has been kicked from #NosNet by FallenBalance (Get lost!)*  
  
RandomVillager432: That's cool.  
  
FallenBalance: Now, does anyone have any ideas?  
  
*Vorador_the_Great has entered the room*  
  
FallenBalance: WTF?????  
  
Vorador_the_Great: Hi Kain. It's been a while.  
  
FallenBalance: Er...aren't you dead?  
  
Vorador_the_Great:Nope.  
  
FallenBalance: How come?  
  
Vorador_the _Great: I'll tell you later. Now, about the army of the undead...  
  
*BrothelLover70 has entered the room*  
  
BrothelLover70: OP ME  
  
*BrothelLover70 has been kicked from #NosNet by FallenBalance (Come back again and you'll taste my Reaver!)*  
  
RandomVillager432: That's cool.  
  
Vorador_the_Great: Anyway, I heard your problem and I'm here to help.  
  
*Vorador_the_Great makes an army of Vampires*  
  
FallenBalance: Yes!!! Now nothing shall stand in my way!  
  
*H-Lord has entered the room*  
  
FallenBalance: I shall reign Nosgoth forever!  
  
H-Lord: Great!  
  
FallenBalance: Shut up, Sycophant!  
  
RandomVillager432: That's cool.  
  
*ERROR - UNABLE TO KICK H-Lord*  
  
FallenBalance: WTF???  
  
H-Lord: Ha! I have the Nexus Stone, and you can't kick me, Vampire! You'll regret calling me a sycophant!  
  
*H-Lord has been Opped by H-Lord*  
  
FallenBalance: How did you...?  
  
H-Lord: The Nexus Stone has many powers! Now...DIE!!!!  
  
*FallenBalance has been kicked from #NosNet by H-Lord (BWA HAHAHAHA!!!)*  
  
*H-Lord takes the Reaver*  
  
RandomVillager432: That's cool.  
  
In the real world, Kain was so shocked by all this that he fell backwards off his chair. The moral of the story is don't set up your computer at the edge of a cliff leading down to a huge inferno miles below.  
  
***200 years and three days later***  
  
Kain sits up in bed.  
  
Kain: (VO) From the shards of tattered dreams I rose, unwilling. Tossed upon tides of pain that flowed and ebbed and left me searingly awake. And, more revoltingly - hungover. What the hell had I had to drink?  
  
Umah: Good evening. We didn't expect you to wake up tonight. You should have woken three days ago.  
  
Kain: (VO) My mind was in fragments, like shattered glass that was once a glass cup that had contained water, but the water had been drunk by a human, who was then butchered by an insane schoolteacher who was going to use the body in his biology class, but it was too damaged to...er...what was I saying? Oh yes - my mind was a bit confused.  
  
Kain: Where am I?  
  
Umah: You may want to brace yourself. You're in another LoKa fanfic.  
  
Kain faints.  
  
***3 weeks later***  
  
Kain sits up in bed.  
  
Kain: (VO) From the shards of tattered dreams I rose, unwilling. Tossed upon tides of pain that flowed and ebbed and left me searingly awake. And, more revoltingly - hungover. What the hell had I had to drink? And why did I have this sense of deja vu?  
  
Umah: Good evening. Are you going to stay awake this time?  
  
Kain: (VO) My mind was in fragments, like shattered glass that was once a glass cup that had contained water, but the water had been drunk by a human, who was...well, you get the point.  
  
Kain: Where am I?  
  
Umah: You may want to brace yourself. And this time, I really mean it. Now prepare yourself...you're in another LoKa fanfic.  
  
Kain faints.  
  
Umah: Grrrr...  
  
***2 months later***  
  
Kain sits up in bed. Umah is pointing a crossbow dipped in water at him.  
  
Umah: You're in the next LoKa fanfic. Faint and you die. Now deal with it and get on with your life.  
  
Kain: Aww, dammit.  
  
Umah: Do you remember who you are?  
  
Kain: I remember enough to not want to be here. I wish I was still asleep.  
  
Umah: Oh no you don't. It took a lot to wake you up in the first place! That Sarafan Lord really kicked your ass!  
  
Kain: Yeah, and I was armed with the Soul Reaver too. How the hell did he beat me?  
  
Umah: You wish to take revenge?  
  
Kain: Not really.  
  
Umah: Alright, if you kill him for us, then we can have sex. You did complain about not getting any in Blood Omen 1a, right?  
  
Kain: What's the situation.  
  
Umah: Men - gets them every time! Now, we're in Meridian, capital of the land of Nosgoth, and home of the Nosgothian Wolfhounds, though they're on tour at the moment, so the hockey arena's shut. Let me show you the future.  
  
Umah turns on a TV screen. We see a familiar scene. Kain is sitting on a throne at the base of the ruined Pillars of Nosgoth. Five Vampires are standing around. A sixth Vampire, this one bearing wings, walks onto the scene.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Kain is deified. Few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. But his contempt for humanity drove him to create me and my brethren. I am Raziel, first-born...  
  
Umah hits the TV.  
  
Umah: Stupid thing! That's too far into the future! *sigh* Never trust any software made by Mobisoft...  
  
Kain: Mobisoft?  
  
Umah: Like Microsoft, but owned by Moebius. It deals with Temporal Software and Technology.  
  
Kain: Not much of a joke.  
  
Umah: No, not really. Come on, we'll look through the Mystic Wall Defiler.  
  
Kain: What's that.  
  
Umah: An invention that allows us to see through walls to the world outside.  
  
Kain: You mean the window?  
  
Umah: You're killing the atmosphere, you know that?  
  
Umah shows Kain the outside world.  
  
Umah: This is what has become of Nosgoth since your defeat at the hands of the Sarafan.  
  
Kain: The Sarafan?  
  
Umah: A fanatical army of humans sworn to eradicate Vampires from the world.  
  
Kain: Any relation to the ancient Sarafan that organised the original Vampire Purges, and that had members like Raziel and Malek?  
  
Umah: No, this is a different Sarafan.  
  
Kain: Are we even going to acknowledge the original Sarafan here?  
  
Umah: No.  
  
Kain. Fine.  
  
Umah: Under the pretence of protecting Nosgoth from the Vampires, the Sarafan have seized control of Nosgoth, and their rule is not kind. They rule the humans, kill the Vampires, and banned Live Action Role Playing.  
  
Kain: The fiends!  
  
Umah: You must help us defeat the Sarafan Lord and restore natural order.  
  
Kain: Vampires preying on humans?  
  
Umah: No, but that's a heck of an idea.  
  
Kain: So, who's "us"? Do you have multiple personalities?  
  
Umah: Not since I started taking the medication. I was talking about the Cabal.  
  
Kain: You work for telephone wires?  
  
Umah: CABAL, not CABLE! We work to undermine the Sarafan Lord, bringing his rule crashing down. But our plan to mine under his palace and bring him crashing down literally failed. We need your help.  
  
Kain: I see. And what is my reward to be? Your eternal gratitude?  
  
Umah: Sex, remember?  
  
Kain: Do you think you can bribe me with mere pleasures of the flesh?  
  
Umah: Yes.  
  
Kain: You're right. Though I seem to remember I played the pawn once before. It ended badly...  
  
Umah: How badly?  
  
Kain: Everyone died.  
  
Umah: Except you?  
  
Kain: Er, Umah? I'm a Vampire!  
  
Umah: Oh yes. Well, this time, it'll turn out much better. The main female in this storyline isn't half woman and half rotting skeleton. I'm all woman, baby!  
  
Kain gives an odd look to Umah.  
  
Umah: Sorry, I got carried away.  
  
Kain: Well then, tell me where the Sarafan Lord is. I'll have him dead by the hour.  
  
Umah: Such arrogance. If it were that easy, we'd have done the job ourselves. You are far too weak to fight him.  
  
Kain: You're saying that I don't stand a chance against him?  
  
Umah: That's right.  
  
Kain: Then what the bloody hell did you resurrect me for, then?!  
  
Umah: You're the main character, Kain. Over the course of your adventure, you'll somehow become stronger until you clash with the Sarafan Lord in one final battle!  
  
Kain: Will there be any Block Puzzles involved.  
  
Umah: Nope. Just Glyph Puzzles.  
  
Kain: Well, that's alright then.  
  
Umah: Well, shall we go?  
  
Kain: Hang on a sec, let me go fetch the Soul Reaver/  
  
Umah: Erm...  
  
Kain opens the wardrobe and falls through into another world. It isn't Narnia, because Kain destroyed that place years ago (he was bored). He finds himself in an ancient Greek temple of some kind. Standing in front of him is a girl in white and blue armour, armed with a shield and sword.  
  
Kain: Er...hi...have you seen the Soul Reaver?  
  
Sophitia: Do you speak of the Soul Edge? That cursed blade has caused enough trouble.  
  
Kain: No, Soul REAVER. R-E-A-V...  
  
Sophitia: Time will heal you, for I do not wish to hurt you. But I must stop you from following this path!  
  
Sophitia attacks Kain, who promptly kills her.  
  
Kain: Why is it that everywhere I go, people keep trying to kill me? Well, I'll find the Reaver later. Right now, I'm hungry. Maybe Umah can show me a place to feed.  
  
Kain returns to Nosgoth. An armoured man with a mutated arm and a grotesque eye in his chest walks up to Sophitia's body and asks one of the eternal questions.  
  
Nightmare: If he's a Vampire and he was hungry, why didn't he just drink Sophitia's blood?  
  
Kain: (From somewhere else) D'oh! 


	2. A Chapter that has nothing to do with BO...

We join the story as Kain exits a gigantic Nosgoth School, for no adequately explored reason. As he goes down the steps, the Sarafan Lord comes out behind him.  
  
SL: Kain!  
  
Kain turns with a slightly annoyed look on his face.  
  
SL: Your feeble Beguile ability may have fooled the others, but I know the truth. You're a Vampire!  
  
Kain: No one will ever believe you.  
  
The Sarafan Lord pulls out a pair of manacles.  
  
SL: I got these out of Sara-Fan Magazine. They're guaranteed to knock unconscious any Vampire! Take THIS!!!  
  
The Lord jumps at Kain, who leaps out of the way and runs down the street.  
  
SL: Get back here!  
  
Kain: Leave me alone! I just want to go home and do normal human stuff!  
  
The pair leap on top of a market stall being used to sell dairy products. The stall isn't very well built. The Lord falls down as the stall collapses, but Kain jumps onto a nearby wall.  
  
Kain: Pitiful Hylden!  
  
Suddenly, a giant mutant hand grabs Kain and pulls him into the bushes on the other side of the wall. After a struggle, Kain pulls himself back over the wall, and makes to push the Sarafan Lord into the mutant's grasp. But the Lord isn't on the wall. He is arguing with a strange boy with a large head and a small green-skinned creature with large red eyes.  
  
Kain: What's going on?  
  
ZIM: You! You dare steal a scene from the great series Invader Zim?! WHEN WILL THE STEALING END?!?!  
  
Kain: Er.  
  
Dib: I watch all sorts of media in my role as Paranormal Investigator! Did you think you could get away with this?  
  
Kain: Well, I.hey! I don't answer to you!  
  
ZIM: You will answer to me! You will all answer to ZIM!!!  
  
SL: Well, that's it. This means war!  
  
Dib: Fine!  
  
Kain: Good.  
  
ZIM: Excellent!  
  
Kain and the Sarafan Lord pull out all of their supernatural powers, while Dib and ZIM use the most devastating technology they have at hand. The result is an explosion so enormous that it utterly consumes all of reality.  
  
*3 weeks later*  
  
The destructive quartet wake up in a large ornate hall where four thrones are present. Three of the thrones are occupied, one by a bearded man in an impressive toga, one by a bearded man in a more humble tunic, and one by a shining gold figure. The fourth throne is empty.  
  
Kain: What the hell..?  
  
Toga Guy: SILENCE!!! The session is now begun. For the record, the four Gods present are Jesus, Ra, N/A and myself, Zeus.  
  
Dib: Er.what's going on?  
  
Ra: Ugh, we have to go through this every single time.OK, it's like this. All religions are right for the most part.  
  
Jesus: And by that we mean real religion. Money, MacDonald's, Buffy and 90s Boy Bands are loser religion wannabes.  
  
Zeus: That's right. Anyway, we Gods and Goddesses take it in turns to perform Judgment on souls passing into the afterlife.  
  
SL: All of them?  
  
Jesus: That's why we take it in turns. Last week it was Jupiter, Hecate, Loki and Gaia.  
  
Kain: OK.but what's with the empty chair?  
  
Ra: That's where N/A sits.  
  
Dib: N/A?  
  
Zeus: The God of the Atheists!  
  
SL: You what? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!  
  
Jesus: Are you calling Atheists stupid?  
  
SL: No! I'm calling having an empty.with a name like.a God that doesn't.they don't actually believe in.look, can we just get on with whatever's happening here?  
  
Ra: Fine. You four are charged with destroying all reality.  
  
ZIM: I am ZIM! I am an Invader of the Irkan army!  
  
Zeus: And boy are they pissed at you! They weren't happy when Operation: Impending Doom ended with you wrecking the planet. Now Operation: Impending Doom 2 ended with you destroying all of reality!  
  
ZIM: But surely not all reality can be destroyed.?  
  
Jesus waves his hands and a wall turns into a gigantic TV screen. It shows all that remains of reality - an everlasting void, and a small defective robot.  
  
ZIM: GIR???  
  
GIR: I'm on TV!!!  
  
Ra: We don't know how it survived, but.anyway, at great cost, we're going to recreate reality and insert you back in it. But at a cost, we shall create hordes of Block Puzzles to taunt you for all eternity!  
  
Kain: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
SL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
ZIM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Dib: Block Puzzles?  
  
Zeus: All in favour say aye! Aye!  
  
Jesus: Aye!  
  
Ra: Aye!  
  
N/A: .  
  
Jesus: You always abstain, N/A!  
  
Ra: OK, motion carried 3 to 0, 1 abstained.  
  
Reality is recreated, which sounds a lot more impressive than it is. Jesus pulls a lever, and the four fall through a trapdoor.  
  
Zeus: And don't come back!  
  
Kain and the Sarafan Lord splat down in the middle of Meridian.  
  
Kain: Ugh.  
  
SL: OK.let's not do Zim again.  
  
Kain: Yeah, we need to find something else.  
  
*Soon afterwards*  
  
The Sarafan Lord sneaks through the alleys of Meridian, dripping a trail of blood from a bucket. He leads the trail to a door with several signs on it. The signs read "Kain", "Keep out", "Trespassers will be drained of blood", "No wings allowed" and "Home for homeless puppies". The Sarafan Lord knocks on the door, and then starts creeping away.  
  
A little way away, a big-headed bald guy is following the trail, armed with a long, thin mini-cannon.  
  
Elmer: Shhh! Be wery wery quiet! I'm hunting Wampires! Heh heh huh-huh-heh.  
  
The door opens, and Kain sticks his head out.  
  
Kain: Did someone knock?  
  
A cannon blast slightly singes Kain's hair.  
  
Elmer: Now I've got you, you Wampire!  
  
Kain calmly leans on the cannon and drinks a swig of blood from a small bottle.  
  
Kain: Hey, mate, are you trying to get in trouble with the law? This ain't Vampire hunting season.  
  
Elmer: It's not?  
  
Kain: No! It's Hylden hunting season!  
  
The Sarafan Lord bursts out of the shadows.  
  
SL: That is a blatant and unjustified fabrication! It's Vampire season!  
  
Kain: No it's not. It's Hylden season!  
  
SL: Vampire season!  
  
Kain: Hylden season!  
  
SL: VAMPIRE SEASON!!!  
  
Kain: Hylden season!  
  
SL: VAMPIRE SEASON!!!!!!  
  
Kain: .Vampire season!  
  
SL: HYLDEN SEASON!!!!!  
  
Kain: Vampire season!  
  
SL: I say it's Hylden season, and I say - FIRE!!!  
  
Elmer shrugs and blasts at the Lord's head. The blast breaks one of the decorative spikes on his armour off. The Lord pushes the cannon away and glowers at Kain.  
  
SL: Let's try that again.  
  
Kain: Whatever you say.  
  
SL: This time I'll start.  
  
Kain: Right.  
  
The Lord pushes the cannon towards Kain.  
  
SL: Vampire season!  
  
Kain pushes the cannon back.  
  
Kain: Hylden season!  
  
The Lord pushes the cannon towards Kain again.  
  
SL: Vampire season!  
  
Kain starts to push the cannon towards the Lord again, but then pulls it back towards himself.  
  
Kain: Vampire season!  
  
The Lord pulls the cannon towards himself.  
  
SL: Hylden season!  
  
Kain pulls the cannon back.  
  
Kain: Vampire season!  
  
The Lord points the cannon towards himself again.  
  
SL: Hylden season! FIRE!!!  
  
The cannon's blast leaves him with a burned face. The Lord glowers even more.  
  
SL: Fine. This time you start.  
  
Kain: Okay.  
  
Kain pulls the cannon towards himself.  
  
Kain: Vampire.  
  
The Lord pulls the cannon quickly towards himself.  
  
SL: HYLDEN!!! FIRE!!!!!!!  
  
The cannon shoots him yet again. He pushes Elmer slightly towards the side and gets in Kain's face.  
  
SL: You're despicable.  
  
The Lord storms off. A moment later he returns, zaps Elmer into a pile of ashes, then leaves again.  
  
Kain: Gee, I don't remember Daffy Duck doing that.  
  
Kain goes back into his house. A pair of eyes opens in the pile of ash that is Elmer Fudd.  
  
Elmer: Someone.get my agent.  
  
*Meanwhile, in Sanctuary*  
  
Umah, Vorador and a bunch of random Vampires are hanging around, looking bored.  
  
Vorador: How long are we supposed to hang around waiting for him?  
  
Umah: Look at this last chapter. It had nothing to do with Blood Omen 2! And there was so much potential! Like when we were separated by the Ward Gate. We could have made a point about Kain not simply climbing over the wall instead of going through a strange, hostile town he didn't know!  
  
Vorador: I've been in these fics before. They rarely make sense. Though this is the most unlike the original story they've been.  
  
There's a knock on the door. Umah answers it, and finds a man in a suit standing there.  
  
Man: Hi. I just moved in next door, and I've run out of coffee.  
  
The man makes a suggestive gesture. Umah relocates his heart to an external position with lots of ventilation.  
  
Umah: Nescafe has a lot to answer for. 


End file.
